On My Own
by Callisto Nicol
Summary: Relena's thinking of Heero, as usual


Disclaimer:  I don't own nuttin'.

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On My Own

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Silently the glowing orb falls behind the buildings and mountains, taking with it the light of day.  Darkness creeps upon the city and I watch spellbound as the moon, crescent tonight, climbs steadily in the sky to bathe the streets and landscape with the sun's reflection.  I am alone again tonight, but it is nothing new to me.  The only companion I want barely acknowledges the fact I exist, and then only as a job to complete.  But once again, I am used to that kind of behaviour.  It's been all I can get out of the man I love since the day we first met.

Soon the only light I have comes from the street lamps.  A gathering of clouds blocks the moon from view, removing all natural light.  Looking up into the sky, I notice it is not simply white fluffy clouds passing by, but rather black rain clouds that pose a threat to my evening stroll.  Within seconds of my observation, the clouds burst open and drop their tears.  The gentle liquid washes my upturned face, and I pause for a moment to enjoy the soft caress before I continue on.  Fortunately it is only a light shower, and not the heavy pounding rain that recently my home has been receiving.  I may enjoy the rain, but I've no interest in getting soaked.  

Looking down the street, I notice several couples that have gotten stuck in the rainstorm.  A sad smile captures my lips.  I wish I had been caught with my love, but it is a futile hope.  He would never be caught with me in anything, save it be in my imagination.  Not a bad idea, actually.  Closing my eyes, I let my senses guide me through the city while I sink into fantasy, pretending he is with me.

_On my own _

_pretending he's beside me_

_All alone I walk with him 'till morning_

_Without him_

_I feel his arms around me_

_And when I lose my way I close my eyes _

_and he has found me_

Together we walk down the street, hand in hand, with no particular destination in mind.  We are simply enjoying each other's company, since it is all that we desire out of life.  Adoringly I gaze at him, smiling at the profile of his face from the less-than-ample lamplight.  His hair, called moss green by experts but brown by those of us living in reality, hangs in his face a bit more than usual.  The rain drags it down, but I still find it beautiful.  His cobalt blue eyes still hold the intensity that they always have.  He appears deep in thought, but it must be good thinking for a smile graces his features.  Walking closer to him, I lay my head on his shoulder, simply content to be with him.

"Penny for your thoughts," I say softly.  He blinks himself back to reality and looks down at me, smiling.  I could lose myself in those eyes, if given half a chance.

"Nothing much," he confides.  "Just imagining my perfect life.  But then I remembered that I'm living my perfect life."  A girlish grin takes my features; I can't help it. I've waited all my life for someone to say something like that to me.  "I can't imagine where I would be without you," he says softly, and I strongly resist the urge to swoon.  He already knows I'm infatuated with him.  No need to make it even more blatantly obvious.  

In silence we walk, me still mooning over his last words, him laughing silently at my antics.  It's the perfect way to spend an evening, and I know we are both aware of it.  I sigh suddenly, remembering how we came to be this way.  It all started the day he came to my school and ripped up my birthday party invitation.  I was livid when he did such a thing.  Who would dare to refuse me?  Who had the _right_ to do such a thing?  Well, he did, on both accounts.  I hadn't fallen for him yet at that point, but over the course of the next year I fell so hard I had wondered if I'd ever be able to bounce back.  Heck, I still wonder if I can bounce back.  I'm glad I haven't been forced yet to try, although he came perilously close to testing me when he disappeared in the year between the end of the war and the Mariemaia incident.  Luckily for my sanity, he reappeared when the Barton Foundation tried to take over the world and colonies and then didn't leave once it was all over.  Ever since that day we've been all but inseparable, save for a few instances when his work took him away from me.  

_In the rain the pavement shines like silver_

_All the lights are misty in the river_

_In the darkness the trees are full of starlight_

And all I see is him and me forever and forever 

"Race you to the ice cream shop," his deep voice penetrated my thoughts, jerking me back to the present.  I look into his eyes, and see a happy light in them, a far cry from the deadly look possessed when we first met.

"But it's raining," I protest.  "The streets will be wet and I'll slip and fall!"

"That's just your excuse to not run in heels," he laughs.  "Well, I'm not buying it.  Go!"  Untangling his arm from my clutch, he takes off as fast as his toned body will carry him, and I nearly sink to the ground in mock despair.  The chances of me catching up to him now are about as good as lightning striking in the same place twice.

Sucking it up, I take off after him despite my flapping skirt and clacking heels.  _If I don't kill myself before I get there, I'll thump him so hard he sees stars,_ I vow to myself, knowing it probably wouldn't do any good.  Even if I _could_ hit that hard, he'd barely feel it.  _Mr. Brick Wall Yuy_ I laugh to myself, grinning, the rain tapping against my pearly whites.  Losing my concentration for just one second, I slip and fall, just like I predicted.  Cutting off an oath, I shout after my love, demanding he return at once.  Glowering at my surroundings, I check over myself and make sure I'm not seriously hurt.  Only ruined hose and a dirty skirt, nothing serious.  Oh, yeah, and a twisted ankle.  

Jogging easily to me, he laughs as soon as he sees my predicament.  "What's so funny?" I demand incredulously.  "I'm sitting on a wet ground in a dirty city with the mother of all runs in my brand-new stockings, mud and grime on my skirt, and an agonizing twisted ankle!  What gives you the right to laugh?"

A smirk takes his face, and a rather indecent one at that.  "Your skirt," he says, that fool grin still on his face.  I look down, and my skirt has been pushed up past indecent.  Fire rushes to my face and I squawk as I try to pull down the fabric to decently cover myself.   

"You jerk!" I shriek.  "You're on level with your best friend!  Ugh, of _all_ the indecencies!"  Getting fed up with his laugher, I lunge at him, knocking him to the ground and in the process killing my already aching ankle.  "Ohh, eggs," I moan, lying on top of him.

"Buck up," he says with a smile.  "It's only a twisted ankle.  You're fine."   He truly has little regard for pain, I note, allowing him to push me off before helping me up.  "But if it makes you feel any better, milady, I'll carry you to the ice cream parlour."  Grinning, I tell him I like that idea very much.  He scoops me up in his strong arms and we continue on our merry way to Thigh Enlargement Central.  With a dreamy sigh I snuggle deeper into him and observe our surroundings.  I note that the wet street looks like silver in the light's reflection.  I smile to myself.  Our wonderland, I think.  

_And I know it's only in my mind_

_That I'm talking to myself and not to him_

_And although I know that he is blind_

Still I say there's a way for us 

I pause for a moment wherever I am and linger a bit longer on the sweet taste of fantasy.  I pretend that he leans down to kiss me, and it's sweet and passionate and filled with love on both sides.  Huskily he tells me he loves me, and I return the saying in kind before we kiss again.

_I love him_

_But when the night is over_

_He is gone, the river's just a river_

_Without him the world around me changes_

_The trees are barren everywhere_

_The streets are full of strangers_

Opening my eyes, sadness drowns out any other emotion I possess. The gentle rainfall has temporarily subsided, and I lose any semblance of caress I enjoyed from the soothing drops.  Looking around me, I notice the couples now moaning about the loss of rain.  Tears well up in my eyes as I try to suppress the jealousy I feel coursing through my bloodstream.  What I wouldn't give to have him with me…feeling bitter, I glare at the stranger's retreating backsides.  Strangers.  Isn't that what we all our?  Well, he and I, at least.  We've never been anything but, despite my fervent attempts to be so much more. A tear slides down my cheek, and I wonder why I should be feeling the lack of him so keenly.  He was never here, so I should not know what I am lacking, and yet I feel it in the very marrow of my bones.  

Angrily I wipe my lone tear away and scrub viciously at my eyes, preventing a waterfall from occurring.  I hate how he has this control over me, and I can do nothing about it but pine away over what cannot be.  I take a step forward, and then another and another as I continue on my way, and to myself I promise I shall end this foolish fantasy of mine.  _No longer shall I pine away over him, spending hours pretending he's mine, waiting for him to show up on my doorstep to sweep me away.  No more,_ I promise myself harshly.  And I know this isn't just one of those attempts that I know I shall fall back on later.  I mean this.  I'm over him, and as of now, I am a new woman, no longer wasting my time on what cannot be, on a happiness that does not exist.  No more. 

_I love him_

_But everyday I'm learning_

_All my life I've only been pretending_

_Without me, his world will go on turning_

_A world that's full of happiness that I have never known_

A new day surrounds me, and I prepare myself for work with my promises of last night still fresh in my mind.  Dressed sharply in a business suit with my honey-brown hair pulled back, I smile at my reflection.  I'm a new person, and I'm going to make the best of my life.

Stepping out of my bedroom door, I falter for a moment at seeing his familiar face leaning against the hall.  Remembering my promises, I harden my resolve.  "What are you doing here?" I demand as coldly as I can manage, which is really only lukewarm.

"Your brother asked me to escort you around for a while.  He worries for you." His voice is so cold, so hard, so emotionless.  I feel myself desiring to help him put emotion there, to be the one to help him overcome his hardships.  _No, you're over him_, I firmly remind myself.

"He always worries," I say breezily.  "Nothing's new.  I'm fine, and I don't need your protection.  In fact, I don't need you at all."  I wish he would blink, or nod, or let those gosh durned eyes lose what little life they have so that I can know he cares that I appear to not need him anymore.  Alas, even that is hoping too much.  Again, I have to remind myself I'm over him.

Lounging like a cat ready to pounce, he replies, "Whatever you say.  I'll tail you anyway, and you know it."

Were I my old self, I would draw comfort in those words.  They're as close of an admission of caring as I'll ever get out of him.  Not but twenty-four hours ago they would have left me giddy with childish glee all day, but not today.  No, not today, not tomorrow, not ever again.  Not if I'm going to get over loving him.  "I don't care.  I don't want you around, not if you can't think of me as a human, but only as a charge you've been given to baby-sit.  Please, leave me alone."

"Who says that's all I think of you as?" he asks.  A glimmer of hope shoots through my resolve to not love him, and I find myself unable to squash that hope before it grows to consume my entire being.  I quickly blink back tears of happiness before they can enter my eyes.  So much for not caring, but I guess I knew even when I made a pact with myself that it would not last.  I've trailed after him for seven years, and a seven-year obsession and hope is not easy to get rid of.   Silently cursing my love, I force myself to look into his cobalt blue eyes, to see what is lying there.

"Then what do you think of me as?" I ask softly.

He didn't even pause before saying, "A friend in need of protection."  I can smell the end of our conversation.  I may be a desperate person, but I'm not stupid.  Sighing in defeat, I turn on my heel and leave my home, my silent shadow following closely behind.  I still love him, despite my efforts to do otherwise, and he still does not love me in return.  Friends.  Well, it's more than I had yesterday.  Now that he can't see my face, I let the tears well up, and even allow a few to spill over.  I don't know if they are from happiness at this small victory, of from sadness at not getting more.  Sniffling a minute amount, I try not to let it overcome my thoughts.  My back straightens, and briskness enters my step.  We finally have a two-sided relationship, and I refuse to let my desires ruin it.  Maybe one day he will return my feelings in kind, but that one day is a long way off.  I shall simply have to accept what I have and deal with the rest until that one day.

_I love him_

_I love him_

_I love him_

But only on my own 

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Author's Note:  I got an idea, and I wrote it down, and I got this one-shot fic!  That's pretty much all there is to this.  This is for Laurel Meredith, because she gets the full brunt of my sap-craze.  Please review!  Namarie!  ~~Callisto 


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